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If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
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TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
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